Special Article

MG To Re-enter North American Auto Market Via Joint Venture

CHICAGO, Illinois, April 1 - Through reliable sources in the U.K., an announcement will be made today in Abingdon, England that the iconic British sports car, MG, will start being produced there again for the North American market in 2020, 40 years after the MG factory in that town closed in 1980, and 90 years after the MG Car Company was founded in 1930.

In partnership with FIAT, previously black-balled MG executives from the 1970s have come out of hibernation to work on producing a new model - a two-seater sports car harkening back to the heyday of top-down open-road driving. This retro roadster will be known as the FIG.

During the past four decades the demand for such a car has been overwhelming, as so many enthusiasts were clamoring for the best of British and Italian technological wizardry, quality control, dependable electrics, and rustproofing.  Engineers of each company believe that by combining the performance, styling, and creature comforts from each brand, they will offset, negate, and cancel out the overstated faults of the other brand - thus creating a “supercar”.

Those behind the brain-child of this automotive comeback, in addition to extolling the obvious upside, wanted to improve the reputations of the marques by trying to stop all the lame jokes about their brands - e.g., that MG stands for “Mostly Geezers” (since it was alleged often they drove them), and that FIAT stands for “Finally, I’m Almost There” (since that was muttered often when driving them).

If a newly launched vehicle is to take the market by storm through capturing the public’s imagination, it must offer something very different to appeal to the expected hordes wanting to get behind the steering wheel of such an automotive game-changer.. The FIG will do just that.

Firstly, so not to be confused with a muscle car and its jacked-up rear end, the FIG’s front end will be jacked up instead, so the occupants will experience that thrilling sensation, or at least be sitting at the same angle, of riding in the Space Shuttle.  This should appeal especially to those who have ridden in the Space Shuttle.

Secondly, to provide the much needed horsepower, fuel will be delivered by a recently patented triple carburetor - a WebSUZenberg.  The resulting superior performance should definitely help spur sales, as it’s hoped that anyone within earshot of owners who brag about it excitedly will hear “Duesenberg” (especially if the batteries in their hearing aids are running low), and will want to buy a FIG, too.

Thirdly, the unlikely event of the FIG overheating will be ingeniously safeguarded by incorporating emergency surplus cooling capacity - with very little added weight - by including 24 16 oz. cans of dehydrated water along the rocker panels and above the wheel arches.

So as not to dangerously overload the electrical system with another fuse for an accompanying Lucas electric can opener, a manual combination church key / butterfly one will be provided - conveniently placed in easily accessed 1/2 inch wide map pockets in each side in the front.

The FIG’s interior features are equally impressive.  In addition to the rich Corinthian Naugahyde - from now free-range Naugas that were smuggled in decades ago from the jungles of Mexico before NAFTA (and the wall), convenience and comfort will abound with:

An 8-track player, with sound provided through a round two-inch speaker in the dash where the oil pressure gauge used to be, replete with a complimentary 8-track tape of the blockbuster Kung Fu Fighting (the 24-minute disco version). A quick-flip switch, where the overdrive switch used to be, to dispense one inch strips of electrical tape to blot out those annoying dash lights in case they keep coming on. Vibrating seats, as they were able to negotiate a deal with Howard Johnson’s (“HoJo’s”) to buy up all the old Magic Fingers machines (which are now “Magic FIGers”) with the controls installed (where the air conditioning knobs never were) and synchronized with the gears of the transmission and engine RPMs - and which will work by inserting electrical box knockouts, so owners can save their quarters for the laundromat.

No expense will be spared on the marketing side, either. After much internal debate, it was decided that the logo of the FIG would be a fig leaf.  Ultimately, everyone agreed to this despite protests from a former and long-ago seminary student who repeatedly pointed out that a “fig leaf” has been an expression for the covering up of an act or an object that is embarrassing or distasteful with something of innocuous appearance.  The others, feeling insulted (and after making sure their flies weren’t unzipped), just shouted down this prudish poindexter.

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