Every FIG will be easily identified with this logo on the hood (bonnet) ornament.  While it is not likely to be as sought after by thieves as Rolls Royce’s Spirit of Ecstasy, the need was still felt to make it theft-proof.  A concession was made though, to include a hinge - so those rather puerile can lift it to look under it.

The target market for the FIG, unsurprisingly, will be former MG owners - a demographic group not likely to eat into the market share of other automakers, but whom jealous rivals still have derisively described as “the largest collection of fossils outside of the Smithsonian”.  Confident that they will be able to reach these consumers and further entice them with marketing they can relate to (including any that might pertain to certain bodily functions), they have contracted with most major gas stations to award to any FIG driver over 70 years old who fills up (Nitrous only) a free crate of figs with the motto, “You can go faster with FIGs than with prunes”.

An extensive dealer network is planned throughout the United States and Canadian provinces.  Canadian dealers in the Northwest Territories, the Yukon, and Nunavut hope to attract potential FIG buyers into unheated showrooms repurposed from jumbo-sized abandoned meat lockers that will be known as FIGloos.  Mass marketing will be used extensively to jump-start sales by:

Avoiding the clogged-up and Russian-hacking prone Internet entirely, and instead concentrating on direct communication with the dealership network via telex (stop). Late night infomercials, and non-stop promotions on the HSC (Home Shopping Channel) A sensational 24-hour “FIG-a-Thon” featuring many notables sure to draw attention

All the stops are being pulled out for the planned “FIG-a-Thon”.  Grand Master of Ceremonies Geraldo Rivera, who after being air-dropped from a helicopter, and ably assisted by flunkies and interns staffing kiosks, will give running commentary and offer in-depth interviews with many shameless hucksters / “FIGsters”.

Among those doing the promoting will be: Roseanne Barr, Jussie Smollett, Stormy Daniels, Rush Limbaugh, Rod Blagojevich, Justin Bieber, Dennis Rodman, Kato Kaelin, Paris Hilton, Richard Simmons, Lindsay Lohan, Bernie Madoff, Jerry Springer, Jesse Ventura, Sarah Palin, Pee-wee Herman, Anthony Weiner, Amanda “Foxy Knoxy” Knox, John & Lorena Bobbitt, “Snooki” and “The Situation”, and anonymous aspiring drama students as the “Teletubbies”.  The Kardashians were considered as well - but it was felt that including them would be overkill and getting carried away.

As a morale booster for the staff of this huge undertaking, the employees of this newly formed joint venture will be treated to witnessing the executives enjoying casual attire in the summer on “FIG Leaf Fridays”.  It’s likely not all will be thrilled though, let alone want to look (or even sneak a peek).  Recently hired in public relations, one employee, a disgruntled former member of the Me Too Movement who prefers to remain anonymous, conceded, “I suppose it could be a lot worse than a FIG leaf, though.  They could be walking around spilling out of their Speedos, or strutting around the office in their damn thongs - especially the crotch-less see-through style”.  After pausing, she lamented, “Still, I’m afraid we’re going to see more ‘Flabios’ than Fabios”.

The public is said to be eagerly awaiting this revival launch, but one especially high-ranking Washington, D.C. bigwig is decrying “the great unwashed” for doing so, proclaiming, “they are all fake - they’re fake FIGs”.

It is expected that all major North American and U.K. automotive media outlets will soon issue their own press releases announcing this stunning industry development - the reincarnation of the MG after an absence of 40 years (although none are likely to be as long as this).


Ed. note: This re-introduction of MG ended up being fast-tracked, as the original scheme called for a launch in 2030, to coincide with the 50th anniversary of the demise of the Abingdon factory, as well as the Centenary Celebration of the MG Car Company - but they just couldn’t wait.

ALSO—Before you give me a call, please note the first three opening words in the article. I spent a few hours researching more info on this subject until I realized who wrote it and when….. Joke’s on me!