Here are some laws of owning and restoring British sports cars, but I think that they could apply to any car

Many distinguished scientists have worked their entire lives to try and figure out why British autos never seem to obey any scientific laws know to man,
Most of us are familiar with the physical laws by Isaac Newton, the guy who discovered gravity. He said things like ‘For every action there is an opposite and equal reaction’. And if you sit under an apple tree long enough, an apple will eventually fall on your head. Isaac was considered to be a very intelligent man and was eventually responsible for the invention of calculus, which was a new land for math for people who thought wasn’t already hard enough. He is also the reason why , even today, people who work in apple orchards often wear large protective hats.

Newton’s laws made sense for hundreds of years, and everybody believed them. They believed them right up until the time when British sports cars were invented, when it was suddenly realized that a whole new bunch of laws were going to be needed. Many distinguished scientists have worked their entire lives to try and figure out why British autos never seem to obey any scientific laws known to mankind. These eminent scientists, with names like Morris, Healey, Leyland and Murphy, shook the entire scientific community when they published their new theory of mechanical behavior called “THE LAW FOR BRITISH SPORTS CARS’. Many people are not familiar with the five major laws, so they are listed below with a brief explanation of each.

1. LAW OF PECULIAR RANDOM NOMENCLATURE
The name of a British Sports Car shall consist primarily of letters and numbers, with said letters and numbers chosen in a random fashion so that the resultant vehicle name is wholly devoid of meaning. - This explains why British cars always have spectacularly bad names like ‘XKE’ or worse ‘MGBGT’.

2. LAW OF CRYPTIC INSTRUCTION
Any book, manual pamphlet or text dealing with the maintenance, repair or restoration of a British Sports Car shall be written so that at least every fourth word will be unknown to the average reader. In the event that any portion of the text is understandable, the information contained therein shall be incorrect. - Most people are familiar with tis law. Here is an excerpt from page 132 of the MGA shop manual: ‘Before rebushing the lower grunnion banjos, you must remove the bonnet fascia and undo the A-arm nut with a #3 spanner.’ All attempts to publish and English-language version of this manual has failed.

3. LOVE OF HARDSHIP LAW
The more a British Sports Car malfunctions, breaks and/or falls apart the more endearing it becomes to the owner’. - You buy a British Sports Car. You have had it a year and a half and have replaced every item on it at least twice. When the engine is started and it sounds as if someone has thrown a handful of ball bearing into a blender. But when someone offers to but it you are offended because ‘it is like par of the family’ and besides, ‘It is so much fun to drive’. British Sports Car owners often stare into space and smile a lot. This is referred to as FPS or the ‘Foolish Person Syndrome.’

4. LAW OF NON-FUNCTIONAL ATTRIBUTES
All British Sports Cars, regardless of condition or age, shall always have at least one system or sub-system of components which is entirely non-functional, and cannot be repaired except on a semi-permanent semi-functional basis. - The famous Lucas Electrics Law.

5. RECENTLY DISCOVERED COMPONENT FAILURE LAW
Any component of a British Sports Car which is entirely unknown to the owner shall function perfectly, until such time that the owner becomes aware of the component’s existence, when it shall instantly fail. - A case in point: I have owned a rather natty MGB for six years. I never knew there was such a thing called a “Gulp Valve’ until I saw a new one offered for sale by Moss Motors. The next day while driving my MGB to work, the damned Gulp Valve fell off the engine and was ran over by a truck.
I do not know what the Gulp Valve gulps, nor do I particularly car to know, since it sounds messy and dangerous. But I figured I would buy a new Gulp Valve and install it myself. One look at the shop manual and I decided to have somebody else install it (see

LAW OF CRYPTIC INSTRUCTIONS, (See above).
While I’m driving the car over to the local repair establishment, I notice that the MGB is performing rather well and that the loss of the mysterious Gulp Valve has not resulted and any ill effects on its behavior. I figure this is due to the NON-FUNCTIONAL ATTRIBUTE LAW, which means that the Gulp Valve probably wasn’t gulping anything anyway, so I decided not to replace it after all.
Three days later the engine had no more oil in it and it promptly seized into a solid mass of metal. The tow truck operator, being ignorant of the LOVE OF HARDSHIP LAW, offered to take the car off my hands for $100. I just smiled.

Editor’s Note: Article obtained from the L.O.T.S.O.C Internet Solution newsletter